Humor – A Deleted Scene (Written by me) from “The Picture of Dorian Gray,” by Oscar Wilde

“I fancied a thousand things; all of which would have gotten me into terrible trouble I fear. Yet the thought of what adventures I might come across in the name of beauty in the way that you speak of, Lord Henry, I just could not erase the temptation for trouble from my mind.”

You musn’t take everything I say so seriously, Dorian, really. But on this point you are right to do so. What I speak of I create on the spot while I’m hardly thinking about it and I’m certainly not paying attention to the words coming out of my mouth. I can never remember what I’ve said, even minutes after I’ve said it. I am a paradox of everything, I daresay. I tell you to do one thing, and then I shame you for foolishly believing me when you do it. I shame all women in the most misogynistic way, yet I worship their intelligence and natural abilities. I speak about books from America being some of the many things England could import and insist they be adored by our citizens, yet I also refuse to write my own novel, something I would very much like to do, and am certain would become universally popular, under the guise that books of any merit are only for those who should not be reading them. Surely you have known me long enough by now to know not to trust me, Dorian. I have told you to act naturally upon being introduced to someone new. I have told you to embrace deafening silence. I have given you the exact estimates of items you desire, while exclaiming ‘Good Grief!’ once you have made the purchase of same. I speak of constant variables, only choices, and even odds. I fancy sweet sorrow, commit to invitations with ‘definite maybes,’ and live for minor crises. Really, though, when I am being completely honest, all of my opinions are unbiased. Well, do go on silly boy. Wasting time is one of life’s completely escapable, yet necessary maladies.”

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