A Simpler Plan

I am so very thankful to be spending this Thanksgiving with my Mom (and hopefully, if he feels well enough, my brother).

I’ve always ALWAYS loved the holiday season because I’ve always been blessed with, well, basically everything. And I never want to take that for granted.

I remember my Mom in particular helping me get ready for my second or third grade Thanksgiving play in elementary school. I played an old woman, so she showed me that by putting baby powder in my hair, we could make it look gray, and then I’d really look the part!!!

Always imaginative, thoughtful, and full of love. That’s my Mom.

Now, I’m twenty-something years older, and sometimes, I feel like I am watching my life literally kill me.

What a horrible thing to think about. It’s true, but that doesn’t make it easier.

My hair gets naturally grayer by the day now. I’m not even mad about that part of getting older.

I’m mad that what my life is, has nothing to do with what I thought life would be.

I believed my teachers when they told me I was especially creative. I believed then when they told me that if I worked hard and did everything right, I would become something called a “grown up.” But I’m still waiting for that last label to feel right and set in.

Hey world! I’m waiting for my instruction manual!!!

What the fuck am I doing with my time? My life? Does anything I do matter?!

I was so excited to be exactly like my Mom when I grew up; I wanted to be happy at my stable job which would turn into a lifelong career, and of course I’d have a husband who was exactly like my Dad! I imagined I’d have three children just like my parents did together, and with all that I’d have a “home.”

What a sucker I was, huh?

I’m not trying to be negative or depressing, not at all (it just comes out; sorry). But, I definitely didn’t expect to be where I am — completely changing my every life plan at my current age.

I want to go back to the days when my brother and sister and I put on “shows” for our parents. We’d work on a routine with costumes, write songs to sing, and act something out for every holiday. We wrote a Thanksgiving song one year. I used to remember the whole thing, but, dead brain cells and all…I don’t anymore. Here’s part of it:

🎶Green bean casserole!!!!!
Black olives from a can
Mashed potatoes too
And stuffing for youuuuu
That’s our Thanksgiving meal!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeeeaaaahhhh!🎶

Soooooooooooooo cool, right?! Imagine that song, performance, etc., being the only thing you were working on, responsible for, needed to get right, in your life. How it was at that time for me. Entertaining Mom and Dad. It was Heaven.

Back to reality, whoops there goes…plagiarism. (Sorry, Em.) I want all of the precious memories I have to become part of how I live now. I’m just stuck.

But, thinking back to a time when things really were perfect, I think I’m going to do some more searching for the moments — those that really inspired me to make everything I wanted in life — a reality.

Yes, times were simpler when I expected these things to of course just fall into place. Tough shit.

I need a plan.

Happy Thanksgiving to all! Stay safe, and know that someone does care about you in this life. Even if you’re reading this and I’ve never met you, I care about you in this life. So live it. And I’ll try too.

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