I started off the right way with this whole experiment. I had a goal. I had a plan to accomplish that goal. I accomplished that goal. And then I backtracked directly into the exact destructive behavior that I was trying to fix. I did not pass “Go.” I did not collect $200.00. I went directly back to the jail of sex and Blackouts.
Post break-up with my ex, I never thought I would be able to go on. It was a “my stomach was in knots for weeks” type of in love with him when he left. And by then, we hadn’t had sex in so long. I think we had sex one time in the last year and a half of our relationship. That is not a lot of sex.
I had found that alcohol and sex were so intertwined for me by the time my ex left that it was almost a given that I would be drinking and consensually non-consenting to sex if I were going to have sex with him at all. Basically, I’d drink until Blackout, then he would begin by entering me from behind. I was initially a willing if not eager participant, but while he thrusted inside me, I would always start to cry. I would freeze up, tears streaming down my face, no doubt thinking of my past trauma of being raped. My ex would always ask if I wanted him to stop. I always said no. He would finish. I would sit in the bathtub under the shower for an hour crying afterward while my ex slept peacefully in our bed. That is what sex between us looked like. It’s no wonder we stopped doing that to each other.
Now, my consensual non-consent was translating to other interactions with a multitude of men. Yes, I was seeing some of the same men more than once, but I was continuing to broaden my horizons with other men as I did.
This is how I got here. In my car. After my 3rd STD test in 3 months.
I created an OKCupid profile. I filled it out honestly and posted current pictures of myself. I wrote in the most prominent section that I was looking for someone to make me feel safe again with a man after having been sexually assaulted more than once. I made it clear that only men who wanted to date and to help me ought to reach out to me. It was vaguely implied that I was looking for a sexual partner to make me feel safe during sex again.
And it worked.
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