That’s Embarrassing

I always carried another 16.9 ouncer with me “just in case.” “Just in case” meant for me to sip on as soon as I arrived until it was gone.

Men have made me dinner that I literally fell asleep in because I was so out of it.

The men were often confused. If they hadn’t offered me a drink themselves (it was Heaven when they did), they couldn’t understand why I was so into sex and then eventually sloppy afterward. It wasn’t from orgasms I can tell you that.

I remember that time I wore nothing but my hoodie and stilettos for one of my regulars, and waiting to surprise him when he opened the door. He picked me up immediately upon seeing me and I said, “you’re showing your entire apartment complex my ass right now.” When he realized what I was wearing he was so turned on he carried me up the stairs and I painfully remember now that he hadn’t used a condom.

But, the worst Blackout I had was when I was with this couple. We drank after I had already drunk and we kept drinking for over an hour getting to know each other. I remember so little of that night it is incredible that I woke up. By then I was used to some sort of shitty feeling in the morning, but I actually had a hangover after that night.

Hangovers are lame things that make it very difficult for you to function as yourself the next day. But anyone who has had one can relate to that.

In the beginning, I was having them every day.

Around the time my Father died, I had just gotten a new job and I would Blackout every night and have to be a high functioning Attorney during the day. I still don’t know how I pulled that off so well.

By the time I was meeting up with people from Tinder and FetLife I was used to 2 16.9 ounce bottles of vodka a night. No hangover.

Sitting here I don’t know how I am okay with men I’ve never met calling me “a dirty fucking slut,” “a filthy whore,” “my good girl,” and “a slutty cunt,” while inside me. But, I do know if I were sober I would never allow anyone to talk to me or anyone else I cared about like that.

Especially without making a huge deal out of it.

So why was I so okay with it drunk?

I shouldn’t be.

I know this.

I ponder this.

I decide. I’m going to be Abstinent from now on.

Until I get it together. Whatever “it” is.